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Communicating with your girlfriend is a necessity if you're planning on keeping your relationship going. Unfortunately, your styles of speaking and listening might not always match up. Men tend to keep things simple and say the bare minimum when forced to express themselves, while women tend to play interpreter -- reading between the lines to fill in the holes in what she's hearing. The ultimate consequence? Not only does she hear the words you actually do say, but she also catalogs all of the things you chose not to say -- even if you didn't mean to say them. You've probably been involved in more than a few arguments that were a result of something you said that was taken completely out of context or twisted into something else, and you were probably left scratching your head in bewilderment.
There is good news: With a few tweaks to common things you might say in your relationship, you can most definitely cut down on her hearing mishaps. No matter what the conversational topic, keep reading to see where you've been going wrong, and how to fix what you say and what she hears.
"Your friend is really nice."
What she hears: "I'm interested in her, and I'm wondering if she'd sleep with me."
Why she hears it: Men aren't known for random compliments, so she might be jealous of the attention you're suddenly giving to her friend.
What you should have said: If you are going to compliment her female friends, be specific (reference a particular conversation you had) and try to qualify your statements (read: she seemed nice enough) to avoid looking like you're interested.
"He's whipped!"
What she hears: "I've lost another friend to the relationship curse; women really know how to shut a guy down, but I vow never to give up my independence like that."
Why she hears it: If you mention your friend has changed since getting into a relationship -- and not for the better, according to you -- she'll assume that you feel relationships are negative and that you don't want to be in one.
What you should have said: If a relationship really has changed a friend, be careful to note whether the change is because of her (such as demanding hourly check-ins and regular gifts) or because of him (read: he's so crazy about her he blows off poker night to spend time with her). It really makes a difference.
Find out more on what you say and what she really hears
Society doesn't value the strong and silent type of man like the good old days used to. Gone are the gruff, monosyllabic heroes who only spoke six words a week and instead communicated with steely eyes. Nowadays men are expected to talk -- talk about their day, talk about their feelings, talk about the weather, talk, talk, talk. Unfortunately, a lot of men might have verbal communication figured out when they're with their friends, but they are completely lost when it comes to talking to, and being correctly heard by, the women in their lives.
In Part I, we introduced you to a few of the miscommunications that may come up between you and your girlfriend and how to get through any rough patches that might arise from her skewed version of your statement. But there is much more educating to be done. Keep reading for another dose of how she interprets what you say, regardless of your innocent intent.
"I'm just going out with the guys."
What she hears: "We are going to see strippers and I will likely be talking to the guys about our relationship."
Why she hears it: Just as men like to believe that when women get together it always ends in underwear and pillow fights, women assume that men-only nights will involve nudity and girlfriend trashing.
What you should have said: Even though it feels like checking in, let her know where you're really going and don't divulge any of the things said on your night out; if you relay info about a pal's woman, she'll wonder what you say about her when she's not around. Just be honest with her, but don't feel like you're checking in with mom either.
"She's just a friend!"
What she hears: "She won't sleep with me…Yet."
Why she hears it: A lot of women don't believe that men and women can be platonic in a long-term "friendship," and feel that no man would strike up a new friendship with a woman unless he is attracted to her.
What you should have said: If she really is just a friend, introduce her to your girlfriend. This will let your woman see that you've set boundaries by announcing your relationship status, and she'll feel better having met the woman who spends time alone with her man.
"Your smile is so gorgeous." (Or another unsolicited compliment)
What she hears: "I feel guilty about something and I am trying to distract you."
Why she hears it: After the initial stages of dating, compliments tend to dwindle; out-of-the-blue comments are going to have her wondering what you are trying to make up for. And if you're not the kind of guy to throw around "I love yous" and flattering comments, don't start suddenly or she'll be wary of your intentions.
What you should have said: Either compliment her consistently to avoid looking suspicious or talk to her about the real problem you were hoping to avoid -- you know she'll find out eventually anyway.
"This reminds me of my mom's [food/object]."
What she hears: "I am comparing you to my mother, as I always do."
Why she hears it: Women are naturally competitive in a lot of areas, and pleasing you is probably one of them. Unfortunately, she knows she can't compete with the woman who raised you, and by constantly bringing up the fact that you're comparing her to your mother will only make the situation worse.
What you should have said: No one will advise you to stop talking about your mother, but be sure to avoid comparing her to your girlfriend -- at all costs.
"Just phoning to say hi."
What she hears: "I'm checking up on you."
Why she hears it: For her entire life, she's probably felt that getting a man to call is like pulling teeth. So, for you to randomly call without a specific intent will have her thinking that a checkup is the only possible explanation.
What you should have said: Always have a reason for calling. Even if it's something small and pointless, having a point to the conversation helps diffuse the checkup vibe -- even if that really was your intention.
"I'm really busy."
What she hears: "I'm really too busy… For you."
Why she hears it: Women hear this and will immediately notice that you still have time for basketball with the guys, golf on Sundays and plenty of other non-vital activities, which leads her to believe that your lack of time is only related to her.
What you should have said: If you aren't saying this as an precursor to a breakup, you need to make sure that your girlfriend isn't left feeling like she's getting the scraps of your spare time. Make dates with her in advance when you can, and make sure you keep them.
"Who's that guy?"
What she hears: "Has he ever seen you naked?"
Why she hears it: Questions like this often feel territorial; she may feel like you've already made up your mind regardless of her actual response, and she could object to your possessive insinuation. Not every man she speaks to has slept with her, or wants to sleep with her, regardless of what you might think.
What you should have said: Don't mention her male friends and acquaintances first. Wait until she brings them up and fills you in on the details. If you run into another guy on the street with her, and she doesn't introduce you, then you should feel free to seek out the particulars.
"Let me help you with that..."
What she hears: "I don't think you can do it on your own."
Why she hears it: Chivalrous behavior has been fading for this generation, and women often get defensive when offered help in situations they feel capable of handling, even if the offer is sincere.
What you should have said: Rather than jumping in to take over, ask if she needs your assistance in a non-threatening kind of way, and accept whatever answer she gives.
So, after Part I and Part II you still haven't figured it out, have you? Are you in trouble again for saying something seemingly standard and inoffensive only to find yourself faced with a furious girlfriend that insists on making you figure out your missteps all on your own?
The language barrier between men and women could be what's causing you the most trouble, and it's the most complicated obstacle course on earth. Just because you say what's on your mind, doesn't mean that the message is going to be received in the manner in which it was intended -- sometimes we can't even be sure it's being received in the same language.
We've already shown you plenty of examples of what you say and what she hears, but maybe it's time we show you even more. It seems like every topic of conversation has the possibility of igniting a fight, so keep reading for five more holes you might be digging for yourself without even knowing it.
"I love spending time with you."
What she hears: "I'm not ready to say I love you."
Why she hears it: Because you aren't assigning your love to her in particular, but rather something about her or your relationship, she'll get the impression that you are avoiding taking the plunge. Try not to use the word "love" to describe something in your relationship unless it's followed by "I" and ends with "you."
What you should have said: Never tell her you love her if you don't actually mean it, but don't overuse this type of phrase or you'll come off sounding insincere or commitment phobic.
"It's just going to be family."
What she hears: "I don't consider you part of my family."
Why she hears it: Women are more likely than men to include close friends and partners in their definition of family. By not asking her along to family events, she doesn't feel important or permanent in your life. She wants to feel like she's a part of every aspect of your life, and your family is a major part of who you are. By excluding her she'll feel like you're pushing her aside.
What you should have said: Invite her when the situation calls for it, or don't mention that you'll be going without her. If it's really a case of you not wanting her there because you'd rather she didn't see your family drama firsthand, rather than being embarrassed by your choice of woman, let her know. At least make the effort to invite her along, regardless, so she can make her own decision about attending your family gathering.
"It got late, so I didn't call."
What she hears: "By the time I remembered..."
Why she hears it: Even though you think mentioning that you didn't want to wake her by calling late is a good thing, it just lets her know that there was a huge expanse of time where she was the last thing on your mind. She wants to know that she's the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing you think about at night before you drift off to sleep. She may also interpret your missed call as too much distraction on your end, at the end of the night…
What you should have said: Very simply: you should have called when you promised you would. If you know you won't be able to, offer to call in the morning instead. Early on in a relationship, communication like this is important, especially if you're out on the town with the boys all night. She'll want to know that even on a night like that, she's on your mind.
"I can't believe you watch this show!" (such as Sex and the City or another fluffy/fun show)
What she hears: "You're shallow."
Why she hears it: Because the entertainment value of these types of shows far outweighs their social relevancy or mental level, she already knows that it's silly and she's already prepared to be defensive. She'll see your comment as condescending and judgmental, as if you're trying to place your choices and preferences above hers.
What you should have said: Leave it alone. Unless her weekly date with a certain program interferes immensely with you making plans with her, let her enjoy her show regardless of the subject. You might enjoy WWF or Jackass and she doesn't say a word, so extend her the same television-watching courtesy.
"I think [female celeb] is gorgeous."
What she hears: "That is my standard..."
Why she hears it: Women often develop and stick with a certain "type," and assume that men are the same. If you find a thin blond attractive, she's going to find it difficult to believe you could have the same attraction for a curvaceous brunette.
What you should have said: If you feel the need to point it out, either compliment all types of women that represent more than one type of beauty or pick out ones that have similar characteristics as your girlfriend. Saying you like Kate Beckinsale's eyes because they look a lot like hers is sure to make her swoon and give you free reign to ogle Katie.
think before you speak
Keeping the peace with your girlfriend is always a priority, and taking the time to consider her possible reactions before you speak could save you a lot of hassle. It might seem like she's listening to every word you have to say, but it pays to know that she's hearing a whole lot more you aren't even aware of.
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